I'm less than a week away from returning to California. The Boston Film Festival is over. I still have no idea where my life is headed.
Before I left for Massachusetts, I was excited. My film was premiering at a film festival in my "hometown". I was going to be a local celebrity. A king among men at the festival for the simple reason that a 22 year old kid from Peabody was returning to his hometown. It was a match made in heaven. One that I was never going to forget or possibly ever match for the rest of my life and career.
Back to reality, the film festival was a bust. One that I only want to remember for simply what not to do. The premiere was lackluster. Hell, there was so much confusion that they left my film off the festival program. I was an afterthought and easily forgotten. Usually, I introduced myself as the filmmaker whose film was left off the program. Yeah, I met a couple people and handed out some business cards, but I barely received any recognition that I had hoped. The only press we got was from two local newspapers that I lobbied for myself.
As the festival unofficially ended Thursday night, I decided to take a walk in the Boston Common. I needed the time and space for myself to take everything in. Trying to figure out what happened. I ended my walk at the Public Garden on a bench looking at the pond. I considered killing myself, but I just stared into the pond looking at my reflection.
There's no point to hide the fact that my life could be better. I'm disappointed where I'm at right now. I know I could be better and I don't blame anyone. I just really thought I would be riding this wave right now. Sadly, it's the opposite. There's no girls waiting at my door besides that 50 year old that asked for my autograph at Bingo night last week. So, I ask myself what's next?
Tonight my sister, Lori, tells me that she's giving out a speech in her speech class. It's on her inspiration for success. And, who does she pick? Me. Yeah, the drug taking, depressed virgin filmmaker who considered killing himself. I'm a shell of my former self. Public access producer/host. Class president. First director of the Peabody High morning news. Youngest politician in the history of Peabody. College graduate with a degree from one of the best films in the country. His film accepted into Boston Film Festival...
"I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am. Let's face it." - Terry Malloy, "On the Waterfront" (1954)